You remember too much,
my mother said to me recently. Why hold onto all that? And I said,
Where can I put it down?
Today I feel so fragile. I feel like I should be doing more but am not. Like I’m not having fun when I “should”. MY MIND IS SO SCREWED UP AND I FEEL SO RIGID. Am I simply too uptight to not get ready and go to something in ten minutes? Should I be ready and willing to get up and go to something I knew nothing about? My family’s been pulling me around all day into different events without even telling me. Being with people constantly is stressful and draining…and now they invited someone to dinner. I was in pajamas. I was tired and weary and ready to settle down. How sensitive. This sucks and I can’t wait to go back to school and make my own schedule.
I’m so sad and stressed and drained and feeling awful right now. I hate eating dinner so late too, so I feel gross and heavy and stupid and it sucks. WHY AM I SUCH A STUPID, SELFISH, RIGID BASKET CASE?
I feel like crying.
To fall in love with God is the greatest of all romances; To seek Him, the greatest adventure; To find him, the greatest human achievement.
Quote reblogged from
Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.
He who thinks lightly of sin will think lightly of the Savior.
The following is a reflection on freshman year in college.
Thank God. I have not relapsed, gone bankrupt, lost my mind permanently, or had a major identity crisis. All in all it has been quite the opposite, for I have gotten stronger in recovery, gotten a job, learned loads in classes, and have emerged with greater security about who I am. It all seems so cliche written down, but I promise you this: growth was not even a goal- survival was. Mere survival. And yet it has been growth that has kept be surviving, and what’s more, thriving.
If anyone is doubting themselves in growing, and is only looking to survive and do the bare minimum- it is my plea that you keep going and stretching yourself. If that seems overwhelming to think about, then don’t. Keep going, and stay sane. Stay close to home, to love, to small goals. But when you can- get out, stretch yourself. Don’t let apathy and lack of goals make you stop in your tracks and make you wonder, “Why the heck am I even alive and trying?”
Know that you are not alone, and that the battle is worth it. Because it is. Everyday one should stop and ask, “What is my purpose?” And if there is none, look for it. It is out there. YOU HAVE A PURPOSE. And it is worth going for. The reward is greater than you could possibly IMAGINE.
This year is one step in a journey- maybe more than one. Many things have been accomplished, learned, and will make lifelong differences. Every little decision leads you to where you will be later. It is infinitely and beautifully complicated, and so important.
Life is frustrating, painful, hard. But it is also full of satisfaction, beauty, and genuine people who remind you that you are fantastic and loved. Look for those people. Look for your purpose. Every step on that journey is, in and of itself, reason for pushing forward and fighting the beast that is trying to stop you from living a full life.
TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY:
If your heart is a home, don’t spend your life caring for a pet dragon that makes messes everywhere and makes you bleed and scar. Kill the dragon, clean the house, and use the scars as a reminder of how much you have conquered.
Sometimes, the hardest things and the right things are the same.
Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.
Sometimes I wonder how people do all they do…live on adrenaline until the play is done running, survive on zero sleep for exams, live through trauma and emotional crap. Humans are so feeble, and yet in our brokenness, so beautiful. We are fighters in a mad world.
I really miss my mom’s cooking…and this looks like my mom’s cooking. I think I’m gonna cry right now I feel so homesick. Not just for family. I miss our old house. I miss everything to the point of it being unbearable. And all this came from a picture of muffins. I am obviously a sentimental fool.
The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become—because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be… It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.
Learn to limit yourself, to content yourself with some definite thing, and some definite work; dare to be what you are, and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not.
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